A Note to Mamma

Dear Mamma

 

I’m apologetic that I was born while you least expected

I remain wretched that I am not what you predicted me to be

I am not your exemplary, as you desired me to be

I do not stretch up to your expectations

I am sorry

That I could not offer you what you sought

I could not be the greatest that you coveted…

 

Oh, how I wished for your love mamma

Dawn after dawn I would look for you

In my dreams you existed

I imagined you in my dreams

However, in the morning you disappeared…

 

I did not know motherly love

I do not know what a mother is

To me it’s just a word to say

I did not know you mother

But I wished I did…

 

You had no clue what they did to me

You could not once imagine what they did to me

I guess you did not like me too

Like the children at school

Or the other woman at home…

 

Until today I long for closure

I long for a role model

Like how other children would say at school

“My mother is the best”

 

How I wanted us to bake muffins

How I craved for you to tuck me in bed

Am I such a bad girl?

That I do not even deserve your cuddle

That I do not know of your aroma…

 

Now I am a fully fledged woman mamma

I can tell what is actually right and wrong

But then I’m still missing you like I would

When I was young and virtuous

You do not miss me at all, do you mamma?

 

Maybe I failed you so bad

Or maybe you just despised kids

When I show up you would scream

You would throw shade at me

But I would still smile back at you

Just so you realised I needed you

I needed you God knows

To protect me from the bullies at school

And the impenitent tormentor at home…

 

No mother can be brutal I thought

Mother is a protector of her cubs

Mother is the role model of daughter

But that’s in my dreams…

 

My friends tell me about their mamma

Then I hold a fake grin

As I compliment their mommies

Then I would disappear to the lavatory

These tears have been here for sometime

They will be here for sometime

Until I know the meaning of a mother…

©Lady Twiiti 2017

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